Hey My Grown Womanish…! Sistas!! Let’s talk about the D… Dating! Now where did your mind go? Well it’s ok, if it went there because if you’re thinking about “The D” then it begins with dating. I already know, “you ain’t got time for foolishness”! I get it, time is our most precious resource. It’s the one thing that we can never get back, once lost. So this post will not just save you time, but your energy.

Lesson One – the energy must match for THE match to work!

What do I mean by energy? It can mean a few things. One, the vibe that a person exudes to the world in reaction or proaction to other people, places, situations or things. It can also be the amount of effort or feelings that we extends to others. The dictionary defines it as “the capacity for doing work“. Now that’s when the ish gets real for me….energy equates to work, Sis!

Lesson Two – he (or she) must exert the same “work” to date you as you’re exerting to them!

Have you ever seen the movie or read the book, “He’s Just Not That Into You”? It was basically a guide to understanding the social cues or actions that men give off (or I would imagine women too) when they’re not viewing the other as a potential partner. Sad thing is that some will use the other person as a “space filler” until the person who they want to be “into” enters their lives.

Sometimes we’re in denial about the unreturned phone calls or texts; unacknowledged special days or holidays; or lame arse (not a typo) excuses about why they can’t see you on the prime dating days (weekends and holidays). But you still give them the opportunity or dare I say, hold space for them “just in case” their situations change.

Lesson Three – recognize when the energy isn’t matching!

Sis, we got to match energies! I’m going to even extend this beyond the D (for dating), but in any non-familial relationship. We will talk about families later! A older, wise gentleman once told me, “I treat people like they treat me”. It’s another way of saying that our work…our efforts…our energy must match!

It’s like watching the amazing Serena Williams playing in a heated tennis match. She’s serving the tennis ball across the net with so much energy and force because she wants to win. Her opponent returns Serena’s serve with so much energy and and force because she wants to win. Although one person will be caught slipping and miss the serve, the most exciting and dare I say – passion to win, fueled tennis matches happen when the energy matches. Get it?

Let me make this point clear with the following scenarios. And be honest. Grown woman…ish! is a no judgement zone!

If you’re always initiating communications (phone calls, texts, social media posts, etc) and they never reach out first. Energy doesn’t match.

If you’re always making and/or planning the efforts to get together and they never ask first. Energy doesn’t match.

If you’re giving gifts and/or offering assistance and dude (or chick) is always the recipient. Energy doesn’t match.

If you talk about seeing this dude (or chick) in your future, but they don’t talk in the same way about you. I’m not even talking about marriage. How about one year from now? Energy doesn’t match.

If you haven’t seen them in a few days and feel the pangs of missing them and excitement to see them, but they’re good with not seeing you or even making an effort to do so. Energy doesn’t match.

It took me the longest time to understand the equation for finding “my person”.

“Your person must want what you want, at the same time… with you!”

Kim dixon

Let me break it down for you.

Want what you want + At the same time+ With you = Matching Energies

If one of these factors is off then, this isn’t your person. It’s not to say that you can’t enjoy a person that doesn’t fit this formula. But if you’re serious about finding “your person” then it’s critical. I remember meeting this dude in my dating days that told me that I was a nice lady, but we don’t want the same things out of life. By this point, I was tired of hanging out with the “something -to- do dudes”. So I respectfully bowed out because he was cool with occupying my time and knowing that our energy didn’t match. And these type will still offer the D (not for dating) because they’re counting on our desperation to have someone special.

Well, guess what – that ain’t my Grown Woman…ish! Sistas. We own our power and make choices because they serve us well, not out of desperation. If you’re at a place in your life where you’re content with the D (not for dating, without the dating) – it’s cool. Been there, done that. I’m talking to my Grown Woman…ish! Sistas who are ready to give love another try or a first try.

Let me take a step back and offer a moment of clarity. Just because we’re in the marvelous middle in our lives, doesn’t mean that we have experienced real love before. Like the Real Love that our Sista Mary sang about 30 years ago.

“Real love, I’m searching for a real love

Someone to set my heart free…”

mary j. blige

Ironically, when you look at the lyrics there is a point when Mary realizes that the energy doesn’t match with her lover that was “true and though they made it through the storm”. She later sings in the same song, “so I slowly came to see all of the things that you are made of and now my hopes and inspirations lead me to want some real love.” Boom! Unmatched energy strikes again.

Black women often get caught up in applying the same efforts to earn achievement that have worked for us in our academics or profession to our dating lives. Working hard doesn’t always lead to successful dating and relationships. It’s actually quite the opposite. We set ourselves up to be frustrated, used or exhausted (mentally, physically and sometimes financially). Been there. Done that.

It may even cross the line over into the trap of “people-pleasing”. I know that we were socialized to work twice as hard as our non-black peers. But in this case, we must pull back for our own self-preservation and dignity. Yes, be “too proud to beg”! No shade to TLC, but Chili and T-Box are in their marvelous middle age now. And I bet that they would agree with me!

Have you ever dated someone and got the old “I’m not ready for anything serious” and then they get seriously booed up or married within the year? Mind you, I’m not talking about those who are cheating on their partner. There are some super shady arse (not a typo again) people out there who are serial time-wasters, but in this case you thought that there was potential there. If you take a good and honest look back, I’m sure that you can recall times when the energy didn’t match. And you looked the other way because you were having fun. Or even worse, it was better than being alone. No judgement, Sis. Been there, done that.

I want you to do the D..for dating with discernment. After there is an establishment of mutual attraction, look at the actions – don’t fall for words. The energy gotta match! Now don’t go into a new situation with your guard up and ready to stick and move. Rather, watch their energy when it comes to dating you. Are they consistently showing interest in their communications? Is there an even balance of the initiation for a date? Are they upbeat when they see you? Do their actions match their words? Dare I say, does the energy match?

Just because we’re on the other side of 40 doesn’t mean that the game has changed. In some ways, it’s gotten easier to be played by the game. But that won’t happen to you because you’re playing to win! You’re going to master the D for dating and enjoy the passion, joy and fun when the energy matches. What do you think? Drop a comment below.