Finding love after 40!
I celebrated my Queen Day this weekend with a small gathering of few girlfriends from my bookclub at my house. It’s always a great time when we get together. We listen, laugh…and learn from each other. This gathering’s lesson was “finding love after 40”! My best friend and I were subject matter experts about this topic during this girlfriend session. We both married our husbands in our glorious 40’s.
As I shared before, I had a robust social life in my 20’s and 30’s. Sadly, my 40’s arrived with heartbreak after 3 year relationship ended when I turned 39 years old. I hadn’t fully given up hope on love finding me, but my love tank was flashing “low fuel”. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed life to THE fullest but there was still something…someone…missing until I met my mister.
Love is welcome here!
In 2006, my best friend and I were 35 years old, college educated, and in the 34% of unmarried black women compared to 67% of our married, white, female counterparts. We were portrayed by others as either too independent to marry; women who didn’t want to marry; damaged; and some questioned our sexuality. It hurt because we wanted to be married since we were 14 years old. So this Saturday night, we were in a position to encourage, mentor and advise our fabulous single girlfriends who are over 40 years old and welcoming love into their lives.
It would never have been my plan to marry for the first time at 45 years old. But my wait has been worth it. My husband is handsome, seasoned with wisdom, youthful, funny and committed to us! People ask me if I prayed the “Ciara prayer”. I can’t honestly say that I did. I prayed for a husband for far longer than the four years that I’ve been married. What’s the difference? This time I was ready to receive love.
The getting ready for love process took time, brutal honesty, humility and a continual prayer. One day, I reflected about how I kept meeting and dating the same guy. Sure, they were different people, but tall experienced the same ole’ me and resulted in the same dating failure. I made the realization that the common denominator was me. It was a humbling A-Ha moment for me. Instead of claiming defeat, I worked on myself in prayer and therapy. It was eye-opening! My childhood and younger adult traumas manifested as poor decisions and actions that worked against my success. I needed to heal and be whole to ready myself for love.
Get ready
An awesome Afrocentric therapist helped me to process my traumas and unprocessed grief after my Dad’s death. She helped me recognize when I was choosing potential suitors based on an attraction of our mutual brokenness. This experience may be summarized as the 3 P’s of life-change – powerful, painful and purposeful.
It was powerful for me to recycle my pain into purpose! I forgave myself and others for the missteps and poor decisions. My approach to dating changed from low fuel to an energized, full tank! Most of all, I learned to trust myself again and opened myself to the possibility find love after 40 and for it to find me! No more one-sided, unreciprocated love affairs. It was refreshing and empowering to view the world with uncracked lenses. And guess what, I’m still in my healing journey as I process and release traumas and grief (not all grief is related to death) as a married and whole woman.
So my biggest piece of advice isn’t just for my “40 plus amazing” sisters, it’s for those who want to love and be loved. If you want to find love after 40 – get ready for it. Here are my top 5 ways to “Get ready to love and be loved!”
My Top 6 Ways to get love ready!
I began with my top 5 ways and thought of another gem to share. I will drop a few more pearls along the way. And I encourage you to share your pearls in the comments below. Remember, we are a grown women – talking about grown woman things!
Be the source of your own closure from past hurts by releasing its offender from the obligation of an apology or to make it right. Your peace is worth it!
Leave your luggage at the door! Finding love after 40 means that there is a strong possibility that you’ve picked up a bag or two along the way. Opening the door to love means letting go of the old to make room for the new! If you find yourself triggered by a new experience, do the work – in prayer, meditation, self-reflection or therapy to identify, understand, process and release the source of trigger. It would’t be fair to allow a potential new boo to step on a land mine that was planted by someone else.
Know what you want….and don’t settle! Now I’m not talking about little things or quirks – but your non-negotiables. If you find yourself trying to convince yourself to “be in like” or attracted to a potential suitor then this isn’t your person! Age has blessed us to know what we can live with or without – don’t chose to live without just to fill an empty space in your heart….or bed (yes, I said it!).
Try new things! Yes, you heard me. I met my husband online and so did my best friend. Now I’m not promoting online dating because it isn’t for everyone. Trying new things could mean walking in your “Grown woman..ish mode” by getting super cute, going to a nice eatery or coffee shop and sitting confidently alone as you sip your tea or savor a nice glass of wine. The point is to increase the odds of meeting “your person” by increasing the chances that you will meet. Grown woman…ish! vibes are attractive and welcoming to new energy!
Flirt! A smile and making eye contact goes a long way. I LOVE flirting – yes, present tense because I still flirt with my husband. When you’re single, you must demonstrate your openness to being approached. No one likes being rejected, flirting is the “green light” that gives the signal to proceed. It’s also a great confidence booster, even if you decide to keep it moving. Confidence is the sexiest vibe that a Grown…ish! woman can exude. And yes, you still got it – try a practice run!
Be yourself! I thought that I had to compete and show up in my budding relationships like I was auditioning for a part. I offered my love by trying to be what they wanted me to be or showing them how awesome that I could be as a girlfriend or wife. It was freaking exhausting and unsuccessful. People ask me how did I know that my husband was “the one”. My answer is always the same, ” I could be myself with him….and he loved me back”. The best advice that my Mom gave me was to “be myself, my best self….and it would be alright.” She was absolutely right! My sisters, be yourselves – it’s so much easier than trying to be someone else or what someone wants you to be!
Walk in your full Grown Woman…Ish vibe and see how your steps will lead to a new way of living and loving in your 40 plus amazing years! How are you walking in your Grown Woman…ish! vibe? Drop a comment below.
“It’s the fire in my eyes, and the flash of my teeth, the swing in my waist. And the joy in my feet. I’m a woman phenomenally.”
maya angelou
