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A Queen is born!
Today, I celebrated my birthday and the birth of grown woman..ish! I stopped having birthdays when I was 35 years old…June 9th and every year afterwards became my Queen Day! It was raining and cloudy when I woke up this Queen Day, but my spirit was joyfully anticipating my plan to launch my blog today. I wanted us to have the same born day.
Vision
Grown woman..ish! is a pathway towards the fulfillment of a promise that I made to myself during a retreat last winter. I spent about 4 hours in a Zoom room listening and talking to other women who were seeking clarity, vision and purpose for our lives. Being in this sacred space with other women who looked like me made me feel safe, validated and seen. So much in fact that I allowed myself to be vulnerable to women who were mostly strangers.
Something special happened to me in that retreat. I made the realization that somewhere along the path of my life journey that I stopped dreaming. And that realization hurt! I allowed self-limiting thoughts, disappointments, people-pleasing and fear to prohibit my ability to dream. Once I admitted those hard truths to myself, I created a new vision from an old dream. And yes, it’s quite possible to do! I committed to launching my blog and writing my book!
I’ve held onto the dream of being an author for more than 20 years now…actually even longer. I remember writing my first story, “Jerrica in the magic garden” when I was a child. It was a fairy tale handwritten on two sheets of notebook paper. I evolved in my writing journey since then and have written secured hundreds of thousands of dollars with successfully funded grant applications; helped others by writing recommendations for scholarships and career-building jobs. My writing fueled the dreams of others as I deferred my own dream to write.
Turning Point
I reached my turning point on that cold, winter day during the pandemic by deciding to fuel my own dream! This time would be different from my pattern of starts and stops, excuses, and unfinished journal entries that were originally purposed as chapters in my book. I decided to fight and win my battle with procrastination and doubt because my stories, lessons and ah-has should shared with the world. I dream of chronicling some of the most dramatic events of my life and weaving them into stories that will teach, inspire and entertain. Heck, something good has to come out of all of that LIVING OUT LOUD!
Grown woman…ish! will be a platform for healing, sharing, and growing! It will be a beacon for those who need light and a cheerleader for those who need encouragement. Grown woman…ish! will be a special place to visit when you need a pick me up or an “it’s going to be alright, Sis”. It will be a place where dreaming is welcomed and dream making is encouraged.
Today, we celebrated the birth of a Queen – Grown Woman…ish!
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Age is more than a number…
I am humming, “age ain’t nothin’ but a number… by Aaliyah as I type the thoughts that are being dictated in my mind.” Yes, I’m a 70’s baby who came of age in the 1990’s. I celebrated my 50th Queen Day last year and will be 51 in less than one month.
Last week, I was plagued by the thought that I had wasted my life because I didn’t have biological babies. I felt as if my alarm clock went off and I didn’t hear it until missed my window of opportunity had passed. As someone who works to put her counseling sessions into practice, I reflected to understand where the root of this thought grew from. How did I get my perception of aging? Why don’t I feel my age? Well at least mentally – LOL! I deduced that it was because my family culture defies age!
Long LIFErs!
We are a family of long LIFErs! We live out loud and for a long time. My Dad fathered me and my brother in his mid-late 40’s. Mom went back to college at 40 and achieved her nursing degree in her mid-forties. My Aunts and Uncles (on Dad’s side) lived well into their 80’s, 90’s and even 100’s! I am from a lineage of age-defying folks. For me, age is more than a number. It is something to grow into with style and grace, like a pair of new leather shoes. They’re snug when you first put them on, but with time they contour to the uniqueness of your feet and become your perfect fit!
As I put two and two together, I thought that I had more time when it came to having a baby. I lived my Life Out Loud in the prime of my child bearing years, affectionately known as my “Roaring 20’s”. I worked late; traveled some; mad dumb ass decisions; fell in like – once or twice, or maybe a few times; partied and by the time that I looked up….I was in my 30’s. By then, I realized that it was more to life than having a good time.
Getting my “ish” together!
My third decade of life was devoted to “getting my ish” together. I went back to school for my MBA, budgeted, paid my bills on time; became a caregiver for my aging Dad…and got serious about life. Sure, I had a bunch of situationships and thought that they were promising at the time, but none led to anything meaningful, but disappointment and tears. I remember excitedly telling one of my girlfriends about a guy who I had met and was excited about. She was like, “but you said that the other one could be the one?” Then I replied, “he was almost the one..until he wasn’t.” Pinkie promise that I will tell you about my “9 week phenomena” at another time.
Photo by Eye For Ebony on Unsplash Surviving and thriving!
Anywho, I fell into the same survival pattern as many of my black sisters do, I adopted the “IDGAF” mentality and worked to achieve my non-mommy related goals. I threw myself into my work because it was the only thing that I could control and produce outcomes that matched my efforts. I was promoted into management; received local and state recognition for my work; traveled; kicked it with my girls in our monthly book club kickbacks; bought my first house and adopted my dog baby. I was living the black American girl dream – sans the family that I desired. I’m going to wait to share about my fourth decade for another time.
As I sit here, still humming Aaliyah…I am now nodding in agreement – “age ain’t nothing but a number.” Truth – it’s taken me longer than most to enjoy the life that I have now. I am a wife, doggy Mom to Cooper, bonus Mom and Grandma (AKA Ms. Kim). But I am living in truth to my family culture of “age defiers”! And I plan to keep living in defiance of the pre-set rules and expectations of society. I am going to age in stride with grace and style in my well-worn leather shoes…with red bottoms even!
When my mind takes me on a journey that I can’t control, it helps me to remind myself what is true. (*Shout out to my AWESOME counselor Lisa McCraney, Hope to Healing).
Truth-telling
Truth – I am in a constant state of blooming. Good seed always produces multiple blooms in its due season.
Truth – my latter days are greater than my former. I have more smiles in my life now than tears.
Truth – I am defying my biological age and will Live Out Loud for as long as I can.
Truth – age is a number, but it doesn’t have to define who I am. I will relish in it and enjoy the “mores” that come along – more wisdom, more IDGAF, more truth and more of ME!
