What In The 2023!

Hello again! 

I know it’s been some time since you heard from me. I wished you and me a “Happy More Year” the last time that I wrote. Remember, I declared that I wanted more joy, peace, memories and all the good things in 2023?

Funny thing is that I felt like I was opening the universe’s Pandora Box when I posted about welcoming my “More Year”. I remember telling myself that, “I hope that nothing happens to change my “yes, more” into a “no, more…please.”  And as time passed, it was the latter. “No more….please!” All that I could say was, “what in the 2023!”

I was on top of life in the beginning of 2023. I was adjusting well to my new, executive-level job; everybody was healthy; and life was good.” Until it wasn’t.

It all changed within a millisecond of an eye-blink when I almost became a widow. Yes, you read that correctly. I almost lost my husband.

My super active husband experienced a seemingly non-serious back injury at the gym that evolved into an excruciating disc injury and eventually a near-fatal, double-pulmonary embolism. What in the 2023! I looked up and one day my life didn’t feel or look like my own.

Kevin’s heart was racing so fast that the monitors beeped constantly. It didn’t seem to cause any immediate concern with the medical team. Everyone thought that his fast heart rate was caused by his pain level. Kevin winced in pain after taking deep breaths. We thought that it was a strained muscle. Imagine our shock when the doctor diagnosed him with blood clots in both lungs!

We’ll never forget what he told us, “I’m glad to be having this conversation with you because it could have gone the other way.” I held my tears back as I thought about how my husband could have died at home or in front of me. What in the 2023!

People are generally supportive during the wake of a fresh crisis, but then they return to their normal patterns of life after time passes. People stop asking how you or your loved one are doing and expect that you’ve returned to your “normal”. Life keeps moving – even if we don’t.

Now I know that there are people who have it far worse than me. I consider myself blessed that this situation wasn’t more serious or permanent than it was. However, in that moment, it felt like life had served me an injustice. Our 5th wedding anniversary was around the corner. Kevin’s new job was going well. And I finally reached a goal that took my whole, 25+ year career to attain and it felt as if I was walking and working in someone else’s life that I wouldn’t chose for an enemy let alone myself. What in the 2023!

And to add insult to my injured spirit, my mom experienced a medical complication that required immediate hospitalization. I traveled between work, 2 hospitals and daydreams of what my life used to look like. Life was “life-ing” …and I needed it to stop. I kept myself going by fantasizing about my former life from 3 months before, but it seemed it was a lifetime away. 

I operated in “robot-mode” as my girlfriends and I describe it. You do what you gotta do to survive in that moment. You shut off feelings, emotions, and a part of yourself until you can get back to yourself. Unfortunately, I’ve been in this place before so I didn’t need any instructions. But it saddened me that it was so easy to return. 

Photo by Jennifer Marquez on Unsplash.com

I feel like most of my sistas can relate. We walk, work and exist in our active hurts so much that it becomes our normal. We self-amputate our feelings to cut off the thing that hurts us the most as a survival mechanism. And then one day, the pain stops and so does our joy, fulfillment, and the part of ourselves that we cherish the most. And sometimes it doesn’t return.

One day, I was at work and my cell phone rang, the insurance company abruptly decided that it was time for Kevin to be discharged whether he was ready or not. They didn’t care about his condition – it was about the growing cost for his medical care. 

I was faced with making a decision within 24 hours  – either put my Uber independent, Alpha-Male, proud husband in a nursing home or take my now bed-ridden, husband that was in excruciating pain home. What in the 2023! 

My brain couldn’t process how we went from waking up at the crack of dawn, 3 times per week to work out together for 1-1.5 hours to seeing him in a lift-chair, using a walker, taking a handful of pills 3 times per day and existing in tear-provoking pain.

I grew to dread coming downstairs in the morning because I would find him sobbing in pain. He was only discharged with an order to take over-the-counter Tylenol for disc and nerve pain. What in the 2023!

Photo by Lee Juneseong on Unsplash.com

Thinking back to that day at work, I remember feeling 100% helpless – which is an unnatural feeling for an Uber independent, “I can take care of myself”, black woman in her 50’s. I went to talk to my boss of 3 months’ office to tell him that I would be late to our team dinner (because I’m still Chief of Staff and needed to show up well….everyday).

He knew that something was wrong as soon as he looked at me because he asked, “is it Kevin?” I just broke down and cried the newly liberated tears that I had been fighting back since this ordeal began 3 months before.

I always joke and tell people that I love crying. I really do because it’s a great release of bottled up emotions. And in that moment, I had 3 months worth. The tears didn’t change the situation or make it better, but the release felt amazing. It was worth it to break the “Black Girl Creed” that we don’t cry at work. Ever.

We are now 5 months after this life-changing experience began. And I’m writing this post from a lovely resort in Turks & Caicos on a vacation that we planned from our “old” normal in 2022. The past 2 months seem like it just a bad dream that our minds created during a long night of sleep.

Looking back, I can now see the blessings from the lessons in these moments. Sometimes we don’t realize how strong we are until challenge arrives. And trust me, they will come. Albeit they are uninvited and disruptive, they help us to build new muscles of faith, endurance, patience and resilience that we didn’t have before.

Celebrating my “50 plus two” Queen Day in Turks & Caicos – June 9, 2023

One of my girlfriends always reminds me that her pastor said, “every season has an expiration date.” I suppose that’s why spring is my favorite season. The end of the cold season is right next to the season of renewal and warmth. We just have to wait for it. I always tell people that it’s not the wait itself, but how we wait.

We can bitterly wait in frustration until the season passes or we give up. Or we can wait with grace by looking for the tiniest sprout on the branch of hope that we’re holding onto to remind us that better days can and will bloom again. I choose to do the latter.

“It’s not the wait, but how we wait.”

Kim Dixon

Kevin is nearly back to his normal self, except that he’s now on a collection of medicine that keeps the unprovoked, life-threatening blood clots away. But I see more emotional changes in him and witness the irritation that he feels when he tires easily or gets winded. Frustration pulls at him when Alexa reminds him to take his evening dose of the “keep the deadly blood clots away” medicine. I see his hesitation and experience my over-caution when it’s time to lift something heavy. I also sense his longing to return to the gym when I wake up at the crack of dawn to work out by myself.

Mom is back to her, “faith-warring, God got me, self”! She carries more concern about my well-being because she knows that I carry the loads of concern for her and Kevin.

And I also changed, for the better….and stronger. I know that no matter what happens, I have a knowing that I be alright. I flex new muscles of faith and resilience that give me the strength to fight and win.

Photo by Rick Brown – Unsplashed.com

No matter the storm – whether it’s manmade or an Act of God, I will be alright.

New job stressors, I will be alright.

When life is uncontrollably life-ing, I will be alright.

And that’s the true power that turns my “what in the 2023” into “that was my 2023” because I am looking forward to the second half of this year. And I am alright.

Has 2023 been “a year” for you? Do you find yourself saying, “what in the 2023!”

Does life keep “life-ing”? How has it changed you for the better?

What superpower did it bring out of you?

Please tell me about it below! Remember, you’re going to be alright!