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Do it …in spite of fear!
There are motivational speakers who encourage us to dream BIG and scary dreams. I don’t know about you, but I hate being afraid of anything. As a matter of fact, I’m tired of being led by fear. Remember my revelation about my inability to dream? Unfortunately, my ability to dream was replaced by a paralyzing fear of being let down. And worse of all, letting myself down.
It was a sobering “a-ha” moment for me, but one that drove me to make a declaration that I would “do it in fear” – no matter what! My “it” could be anything – from launching Grown Woman…ish! to walking into the unknown possibilities. It was a liberating and joyful moment that I celebrated by making an accountability post with Four Reminders on Instagram on December 13, 2020 for all to see. You know how things become real when posted on social media – LOL!
Four Reminders and IG Real
Instagram post on December 13, 2020 It seemed like making those declarations opened the floodgates of fear when I decided to launch Grown Woman…ish! I planned to use my blog to build the discipline and consistency that is necessary to write my book (#2 on my list). My dream of writing my book has been in my mind for the past 20 years. What if I fail? Succeed? What if I’m not good enough? The “what ifs” were uninvited guests at the party in my head. I finally kicked my uninvited guests out by drafting my ideas for my blog and purchasing the web domain for Grown Woman…ish! last fall. I was on my way until I allowed work frustrations convince me that this would be a mediocre effort at best.
My unpopulated and unpublished Grown Woman…ish! domain sat for 7 months. But, I my spirit felt unsettled. I kept feeling a gentle push to write and even jotted down titles, but I resisted it. I chalked Grown Woman…ish! as one of those fleeting great ideas in my mind. My husband asked me when I was going to write. I made excuses about how I was so busy; the website was too technical to set up on my own; and it was too expensive to hire a professional to do it for me.
The excuse-making and back stepping changed this past March when I received a text message from a girlfriend during my morning prayer time. She woke out of her sleep with a divine message for me to write. BOOM! There it was – the confirmation that I needed to shift gears from park to drive!
Fighting Mediocrity
Photo by Arissa Chatassa on Unsplash I wasn’t purposed for a life of mediocrity, nor are you. I believe that a mediocre life is the result of unpursued dreams. It doesn’t matter if our ideas or dreams are successful, it matters if we don’t try. Our lives are transformed to greatness by the lessons and blessings that are gained in every experience. Achieving greatness and destiny are married to the divinely-guided dreams that are placed in our minds and hearts. We can create a future for our present right now!
Many of us carry BIG dreams in our minds, but we allow the “what-ifs” to stop us before we even start. Or we allow others to leave the residue of their unrealized dreams or fears on us. Sometimes its best to share the dream by actually doing it in silence – now that’s truly a Grown Woman…ish! move. Silence that isn’t an act of selfishness, but self-care. Oh and we will talk about true self-care and what it looks like at another time. Spoiler alert – it’s more than having a mimosa and massage!
Treat your dream like a precious gems that could fracture if it’s dropped. Rhianna reminds us to “shine bright like a diamond”. Sis, the world needs the brilliance of your diamond! Find your “it” and fight your “what ifs” by doing and shining! Do your “IT” in spite of fear….with your Grown Woman…ish self!
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Sorry, too many sorry’s!
Hey, Sis, stop apologizing for stupid.. ish! I’m going to begin this post with a list that qualify as stupid ish to apologize for –
Don’t apologize for…..
- People who let you down
- Jobs that don’t recognize your greatness or potential
- Disrespectful children
- Being your authentic self
- Cutting off people and/or situations from your life that don’t serve or treat you well
- Situations that you have no control
- Fill in the blank ____________________________
Sorry, that’s too many sorry’s for me…and you! Trust is earned, not given. Why do we treat the priceless gift of our grace with any less value? As a child, I was forced to apologize even when I wasn’t the offender. Can you relate? If so, then it conditioned us to accept responsibility for wrongdoings or small injustices that we didn’t commit. How many times did you say, “but I didn’t do anything’? Now that we’re good and grown, sometimes we revert back to our child selves and automatically apologize. Have you ever apologized for something that you didn’t do to make immediate peace? However, the price of your fake apology was an inner-discomfort that couldn’t be settled. It’s because you gave away an “I’m sorry” to someone who didn’t deserve it.
Today, I was talking to one of my girlfriends about a dating situation. She has been dating a guy for a couple of months. This weekend, dude pulled a Harry Houdini and disappeared on my friend. They spoke, hours after their scheduled date and my friend delivered a “natural, salty-arse” (not a typo) reaction to his lame excuse. I was into her account of the events until….she apologized to him for her “natural, salty-arse” (not a typo) reaction. What??!!! My reaction was, “you had nothing to apologize for!” I get it, we want to present ourselves as controlled and mature. However, he deserved her “natural, salty-arse” (not a typo) reaction! Grace is divinely granted without any effort by the recipient. There is power in the grace that we give by choice. And sometimes we give the power of our grace away to those that don’t deserve it.
Own your ish, but no one else’s!
Owning my mistakes; apologizing; and making it right is one of my life mantras. I now realize that this is a principle that everyone doesn’t subscribe to. Why was it necessary for me to “own” someone else’s shortcomings? I owned someone else’s mistakes when I gave away my “I’m sorry” to those who never gave me theirs. Chalk that to my people-pleasing tendencies that I am working to eliminate.
Photo by Hay S on Unsplash Own your “I’m sorry”!
I’ve done it too many times to recall. It’s been my automatic response to individuals at work who offended me; unreliable men that I dated; and any situation that I wanted to bandage my disappointment or hurt. I’m not saying to walk around with an unforgiving spirit or with a chip on your shoulder. What I am saying is to recognize and treasure the value of “your grace”. Sometimes it means spending a Saturday night alone. Or having an uncomfortable conversation with a manager, co-worker or even family member about what you’re not going to accept. It’s past time to step up and OWN our grace! OWN your “I’m sorry”!
Sis, make your grace count! Give your “I’m sorry” power by using it when you own the offense and can make it right. Don’t bandage a hurt or disappointment with an “I’m sorry” because it makes you or your offender feel better. Hold those accountable who offend you, give them space to apologize …AND make it right. Be prepared to walk away because the power of your grace and peace is worth it.
What is something that we shouldn’t apologize for? Drop a comment below.
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Finding love after 40!
I celebrated my Queen Day this weekend with a small gathering of few girlfriends from my bookclub at my house. It’s always a great time when we get together. We listen, laugh…and learn from each other. This gathering’s lesson was “finding love after 40”! My best friend and I were subject matter experts about this topic during this girlfriend session. We both married our husbands in our glorious 40’s.
As I shared before, I had a robust social life in my 20’s and 30’s. Sadly, my 40’s arrived with heartbreak after 3 year relationship ended when I turned 39 years old. I hadn’t fully given up hope on love finding me, but my love tank was flashing “low fuel”. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed life to THE fullest but there was still something…someone…missing until I met my mister.
Love is welcome here!
In 2006, my best friend and I were 35 years old, college educated, and in the 34% of unmarried black women compared to 67% of our married, white, female counterparts. We were portrayed by others as either too independent to marry; women who didn’t want to marry; damaged; and some questioned our sexuality. It hurt because we wanted to be married since we were 14 years old. So this Saturday night, we were in a position to encourage, mentor and advise our fabulous single girlfriends who are over 40 years old and welcoming love into their lives.
It would never have been my plan to marry for the first time at 45 years old. But my wait has been worth it. My husband is handsome, seasoned with wisdom, youthful, funny and committed to us! People ask me if I prayed the “Ciara prayer”. I can’t honestly say that I did. I prayed for a husband for far longer than the four years that I’ve been married. What’s the difference? This time I was ready to receive love.
# HappilyEverDixon April 14, 2018 The getting ready for love process took time, brutal honesty, humility and a continual prayer. One day, I reflected about how I kept meeting and dating the same guy. Sure, they were different people, but tall experienced the same ole’ me and resulted in the same dating failure. I made the realization that the common denominator was me. It was a humbling A-Ha moment for me. Instead of claiming defeat, I worked on myself in prayer and therapy. It was eye-opening! My childhood and younger adult traumas manifested as poor decisions and actions that worked against my success. I needed to heal and be whole to ready myself for love.
Get ready
An awesome Afrocentric therapist helped me to process my traumas and unprocessed grief after my Dad’s death. She helped me recognize when I was choosing potential suitors based on an attraction of our mutual brokenness. This experience may be summarized as the 3 P’s of life-change – powerful, painful and purposeful.
It was powerful for me to recycle my pain into purpose! I forgave myself and others for the missteps and poor decisions. My approach to dating changed from low fuel to an energized, full tank! Most of all, I learned to trust myself again and opened myself to the possibility find love after 40 and for it to find me! No more one-sided, unreciprocated love affairs. It was refreshing and empowering to view the world with uncracked lenses. And guess what, I’m still in my healing journey as I process and release traumas and grief (not all grief is related to death) as a married and whole woman.
So my biggest piece of advice isn’t just for my “40 plus amazing” sisters, it’s for those who want to love and be loved. If you want to find love after 40 – get ready for it. Here are my top 5 ways to “Get ready to love and be loved!”
My Top 6 Ways to get love ready!
I began with my top 5 ways and thought of another gem to share. I will drop a few more pearls along the way. And I encourage you to share your pearls in the comments below. Remember, we are a grown women – talking about grown woman things!
Be the source of your own closure from past hurts by releasing its offender from the obligation of an apology or to make it right. Your peace is worth it!
Leave your luggage at the door! Finding love after 40 means that there is a strong possibility that you’ve picked up a bag or two along the way. Opening the door to love means letting go of the old to make room for the new! If you find yourself triggered by a new experience, do the work – in prayer, meditation, self-reflection or therapy to identify, understand, process and release the source of trigger. It would’t be fair to allow a potential new boo to step on a land mine that was planted by someone else.
Know what you want….and don’t settle! Now I’m not talking about little things or quirks – but your non-negotiables. If you find yourself trying to convince yourself to “be in like” or attracted to a potential suitor then this isn’t your person! Age has blessed us to know what we can live with or without – don’t chose to live without just to fill an empty space in your heart….or bed (yes, I said it!).
Try new things! Yes, you heard me. I met my husband online and so did my best friend. Now I’m not promoting online dating because it isn’t for everyone. Trying new things could mean walking in your “Grown woman..ish mode” by getting super cute, going to a nice eatery or coffee shop and sitting confidently alone as you sip your tea or savor a nice glass of wine. The point is to increase the odds of meeting “your person” by increasing the chances that you will meet. Grown woman…ish! vibes are attractive and welcoming to new energy!
Flirt! A smile and making eye contact goes a long way. I LOVE flirting – yes, present tense because I still flirt with my husband. When you’re single, you must demonstrate your openness to being approached. No one likes being rejected, flirting is the “green light” that gives the signal to proceed. It’s also a great confidence booster, even if you decide to keep it moving. Confidence is the sexiest vibe that a Grown…ish! woman can exude. And yes, you still got it – try a practice run!
Be yourself! I thought that I had to compete and show up in my budding relationships like I was auditioning for a part. I offered my love by trying to be what they wanted me to be or showing them how awesome that I could be as a girlfriend or wife. It was freaking exhausting and unsuccessful. People ask me how did I know that my husband was “the one”. My answer is always the same, ” I could be myself with him….and he loved me back”. The best advice that my Mom gave me was to “be myself, my best self….and it would be alright.” She was absolutely right! My sisters, be yourselves – it’s so much easier than trying to be someone else or what someone wants you to be!
Walk in your full Grown Woman…Ish vibe and see how your steps will lead to a new way of living and loving in your 40 plus amazing years! How are you walking in your Grown Woman…ish! vibe? Drop a comment below.
“It’s the fire in my eyes, and the flash of my teeth, the swing in my waist. And the joy in my feet. I’m a woman phenomenally.”
maya angelou
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A Queen is born!
Today, I celebrated my birthday and the birth of grown woman..ish! I stopped having birthdays when I was 35 years old…June 9th and every year afterwards became my Queen Day! It was raining and cloudy when I woke up this Queen Day, but my spirit was joyfully anticipating my plan to launch my blog today. I wanted us to have the same born day.
Vision
Grown woman..ish! is a pathway towards the fulfillment of a promise that I made to myself during a retreat last winter. I spent about 4 hours in a Zoom room listening and talking to other women who were seeking clarity, vision and purpose for our lives. Being in this sacred space with other women who looked like me made me feel safe, validated and seen. So much in fact that I allowed myself to be vulnerable to women who were mostly strangers.
Something special happened to me in that retreat. I made the realization that somewhere along the path of my life journey that I stopped dreaming. And that realization hurt! I allowed self-limiting thoughts, disappointments, people-pleasing and fear to prohibit my ability to dream. Once I admitted those hard truths to myself, I created a new vision from an old dream. And yes, it’s quite possible to do! I committed to launching my blog and writing my book!
I’ve held onto the dream of being an author for more than 20 years now…actually even longer. I remember writing my first story, “Jerrica in the magic garden” when I was a child. It was a fairy tale handwritten on two sheets of notebook paper. I evolved in my writing journey since then and have written secured hundreds of thousands of dollars with successfully funded grant applications; helped others by writing recommendations for scholarships and career-building jobs. My writing fueled the dreams of others as I deferred my own dream to write.
Turning Point
I reached my turning point on that cold, winter day during the pandemic by deciding to fuel my own dream! This time would be different from my pattern of starts and stops, excuses, and unfinished journal entries that were originally purposed as chapters in my book. I decided to fight and win my battle with procrastination and doubt because my stories, lessons and ah-has should shared with the world. I dream of chronicling some of the most dramatic events of my life and weaving them into stories that will teach, inspire and entertain. Heck, something good has to come out of all of that LIVING OUT LOUD!
Grown woman…ish! will be a platform for healing, sharing, and growing! It will be a beacon for those who need light and a cheerleader for those who need encouragement. Grown woman…ish! will be a special place to visit when you need a pick me up or an “it’s going to be alright, Sis”. It will be a place where dreaming is welcomed and dream making is encouraged.
Today, we celebrated the birth of a Queen – Grown Woman…ish!
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Age is more than a number…
I am humming, “age ain’t nothin’ but a number… by Aaliyah as I type the thoughts that are being dictated in my mind.” Yes, I’m a 70’s baby who came of age in the 1990’s. I celebrated my 50th Queen Day last year and will be 51 in less than one month.
Last week, I was plagued by the thought that I had wasted my life because I didn’t have biological babies. I felt as if my alarm clock went off and I didn’t hear it until missed my window of opportunity had passed. As someone who works to put her counseling sessions into practice, I reflected to understand where the root of this thought grew from. How did I get my perception of aging? Why don’t I feel my age? Well at least mentally – LOL! I deduced that it was because my family culture defies age!
Long LIFErs!
We are a family of long LIFErs! We live out loud and for a long time. My Dad fathered me and my brother in his mid-late 40’s. Mom went back to college at 40 and achieved her nursing degree in her mid-forties. My Aunts and Uncles (on Dad’s side) lived well into their 80’s, 90’s and even 100’s! I am from a lineage of age-defying folks. For me, age is more than a number. It is something to grow into with style and grace, like a pair of new leather shoes. They’re snug when you first put them on, but with time they contour to the uniqueness of your feet and become your perfect fit!
As I put two and two together, I thought that I had more time when it came to having a baby. I lived my Life Out Loud in the prime of my child bearing years, affectionately known as my “Roaring 20’s”. I worked late; traveled some; mad dumb ass decisions; fell in like – once or twice, or maybe a few times; partied and by the time that I looked up….I was in my 30’s. By then, I realized that it was more to life than having a good time.
Getting my “ish” together!
My third decade of life was devoted to “getting my ish” together. I went back to school for my MBA, budgeted, paid my bills on time; became a caregiver for my aging Dad…and got serious about life. Sure, I had a bunch of situationships and thought that they were promising at the time, but none led to anything meaningful, but disappointment and tears. I remember excitedly telling one of my girlfriends about a guy who I had met and was excited about. She was like, “but you said that the other one could be the one?” Then I replied, “he was almost the one..until he wasn’t.” Pinkie promise that I will tell you about my “9 week phenomena” at another time.
Photo by Eye For Ebony on Unsplash Surviving and thriving!
Anywho, I fell into the same survival pattern as many of my black sisters do, I adopted the “IDGAF” mentality and worked to achieve my non-mommy related goals. I threw myself into my work because it was the only thing that I could control and produce outcomes that matched my efforts. I was promoted into management; received local and state recognition for my work; traveled; kicked it with my girls in our monthly book club kickbacks; bought my first house and adopted my dog baby. I was living the black American girl dream – sans the family that I desired. I’m going to wait to share about my fourth decade for another time.
As I sit here, still humming Aaliyah…I am now nodding in agreement – “age ain’t nothing but a number.” Truth – it’s taken me longer than most to enjoy the life that I have now. I am a wife, doggy Mom to Cooper, bonus Mom and Grandma (AKA Ms. Kim). But I am living in truth to my family culture of “age defiers”! And I plan to keep living in defiance of the pre-set rules and expectations of society. I am going to age in stride with grace and style in my well-worn leather shoes…with red bottoms even!
When my mind takes me on a journey that I can’t control, it helps me to remind myself what is true. (*Shout out to my AWESOME counselor Lisa McCraney, Hope to Healing).
Truth-telling
Truth – I am in a constant state of blooming. Good seed always produces multiple blooms in its due season.
Truth – my latter days are greater than my former. I have more smiles in my life now than tears.
Truth – I am defying my biological age and will Live Out Loud for as long as I can.
Truth – age is a number, but it doesn’t have to define who I am. I will relish in it and enjoy the “mores” that come along – more wisdom, more IDGAF, more truth and more of ME!
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Late Blooming Summer
Summer is always a beautiful season. Flowers are blooming with vibrant colors, the earthy fragrance of fresh cut grass lingers in the air as the sun radiates healing rays of warmth. The divine presence of God fills our senses. The beauty of summer may overwhelm the other seasons and make it seem as if they never happened. Or that they must be endured rather than embraced or graced. It took many winters, springs and falls for the summer of my life to arrive and blossom. It took years of seasons to pass before I could appreciate the purpose and growth that occurred in each one.
We’ve all heard the expression of “better late than never.” It’s an expression that conveys gratitude, but to me feels more like a compromise. We surrender a piece of a dream, wish or goal to celebrate the grandness of its achievement and arrival. Celebrating compromise or tardiness challenges me. I would much rather rejoice the purpose of the delay. And live each glorious moment in its fullest with the expectation of more to come. Grown Woman…ish will take its readers through a fantastic and dynamic journey of a life in the state blooming. And the expectation that my blooms are still producing seeds that will take root and bloom for the rest of my life on Earth.
I want to inspire my readers to take action as I discover the blessings, lessons and joys that may arrive in a late blooming summer.
Photo by Percheck Industrie on Unsplash
