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The Year of More!
This is the first day of 2023. The new year has always been a time of reflection and declaration for me. I believe in setting my intentions and vision for the incoming year. As I reflect over the last year, 2022 was a good year for me. Overall, there were more high points than low ones. My vision for the “Year of Me” came to fruition in a job change; launching my blog; maintaining my mental, spiritual and physical health; and living in my authentic self. I even delivered a motivational keynote address to “Women In Transition”, like me! As we welcome 2023 with its full potential of greatness, my vision for this year is “more.” I am making the declaration that 2023 is going to be the Year of More!
My 2022 Vision Board More…
“More” has been brewing in my spirit throughout this most recent holiday season. My husband kept asking me what I wanted for Christmas. And to be honest, I couldn’t think of anything. It’s not that I have everything. Certainly, I could have thought of an expensive gift that sparkles. However, my heart’s desires can’t be purchased online or in a store. I want more of the greatness of 2022. And I’m not talking about the material stuff. I would like more joy, peace, professional fulfillment, fun, and great experiences. I had life-filling moments that I will forever cherish.
Hiking in Hawaii – April 2022 True enough, it sucked to miss a whole month of my life recovering from COVID. However, my heart smiles when I think about the love that my husband showed when he took care of me. And the joy of celebrating his 50th birthday at a luau in Hawaii. I smile as I think about the kicks and giggles when I celebrated my Queen Day with my girlfriends. And I’m filled with awe as my mind travels back to hearing Michelle Obama speak about her new book in Atlanta. These are the “mores” that chase away storm clouds when they appear in the sky of my life.
A great New Year’s Eve
I enjoyed an awesome New Year’s Eve conversation with my amazing, bonus daughter, Tatihana last night. She is in a place of growth, self-awareness, and is activating her vision by living in her power and operating from her more! My pride teemed for her as we spoke because her Dad and I have longed and prayed for her “more” to come. And selfishlessly, she became a new more for me because I look forward to “more” mother-daughter times with her. More conversations when we are encouraging, teaching, inspiring and loving each other. These moments are especially special to me because it wasn’t in God’s plan for me to have biological children. And I believe that this is His answer to my prayers for my legacy.
Sharing our mores…
The highlight of our conversation came when I asked her about what she was looking forward to this new year. She spoke of her business ventures, travel and expressions of her creativity. Then I shared my vision of “more” for 2023. We ended are call with our usual, “I’ll talk to you soon and love you’s.” Then I stopped and made the declaration of “more” for her. I would like for her to experience more creativity, stability, success, inner peace, financial freedom, discernment and happiness – all the mores that parents want for their kids. And I’m happy to see that her more is growing and becoming more tangible with each passing day. And will become even greater in this new year.
Photo by Christy Jacob on Unsplash What is your more? I challenge you to fill in the blank in this sentence for 2023. I want more ___________in 2023. Think abundance and use commas or create new sentences. Drop your mores in the comments below. I want to stand in agreement with you and joyfully manifest our mores in 2023! These are the mores that chase away storm clouds; breathe life into unmanifested dreams; and give our hopes the wings that they need to soar.
Join me and declare that 2023 is the year of your more! And let me be the first to wish you a “Happy More Year!”
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On the eve of change
The wind of change blew into my life today as I began my new job. Today is the first day of my “next” that began about two years ago. One day, I began feeling really uncomfortable while working. It wasn’t the kind of discomfort that comes from work or stress. It was a lingering and familiar feeling of discomfort. I’ve experienced this feeling on the eves of changes in my life. It’s been the signal for my mind to open and receive the imminent change that was coming.
I believe that God makes our circumstances or environment feel uncomfortable when we’re on the eve of change. It’s a divine discomfort, even when things are seemingly good. It’s my signal that it’s time to go and grow. I’ve tried to ignore the feeling or hit the snooze button. But the change alarm blares until I reflect and identify the area where the change is going to happen.
I wish that it was an easy feeling to embrace because it’s an uncertainty that may create anxiety, if we allow it. However, this time I was open to the discomfort because it came around the time when I declared that fear would no longer rule my life. Remember, I was afraid of failing, letting others and myself down…even afraid of taking chances. Well, fear and I broke up because it never served me well. It blocked opportunities, lied to me and dimmed my shine.
Whether you have faith in God or the universe, it can’t co-exist with fear. And when I look at the two with logic, my faith has a better track record than my past connection to fear. Faith gives me the confidence to consider my possibilities and take the steps to achieve them. Fear stops me at “hello.” Faith slays fear – every time.
Photo by Sincerely media on Unsplashed My confidence grew and swagger returned when I welcomed change in my life. Shedding my old fears silenced the negative self-talk. And let me tell you, it was the best diet that I’ve ever been on. Talk about getting rid of unwanted weight!
I went from thinking… to believing… to knowing that I’m equipped with the skills, gifts and strengths for opportunities that seemed too big for me before. Big like the executive level position that I began today!
The old, new me is high-stepping into a new season of change. And I have the biggest flex – confidence and knowing.
Photo by https://unsplash.com/@shotbyjudeus I’m feeling my grown womanish self today. Filled with gratitude for my becoming that readied me for today. And celebrating my eve of change!
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A Kept Woman
Recently someone asked me if “Grown Womanish” was a play on words, inspired from the popular television series “Black-ish”. A mischievous smile crossed my face as I honestly replied, “no…grown womanish really stands for grown woman sh!! because that’s what I want to talk about.” It’s the kind of girlfriend talk that I have with my hairdresser when I’m her last client. Or the kind of conversations that we have at bookclub over laughs after a few drinks.
As Women of a Certain Age, we may have either heard of a woman who was being “kept” by a man. Or we may have experienced being kept ourselves. Remember, this is a no judgement zone! I was approached in my single and younger days by men who desired to “keep” me . What does it mean to be a kept woman?
Photo by Marissa Grotes on Unsplash Well I’m glad that you asked! It means that there’s an agreement for the man to “sponsor” a woman by paying her bills; creating and/or maintaining a high-end lifestyle; and lavishing her with gifts. In exchange for these spoils, the woman would be solely available for his pleasure, time, sex or possession. I’m not going to lie, there were times in my life when this type of arrangement sounded tempting. However the right side of my brain quickly reminded me that I’m way too independent for the possession part.
My Independent Soul
Strong women raised me to be a strong woman. They encouraged to have a “take care of myself” mindset. I was taught not to fully depend on anyone – not even my Dad. My sole dependence was to be on God. As I reflect, I realize that some of my nurturing was birthed from the hurts and disappointments from the strong women who raised me. They were trying to prepare and protect me in ways that they didn’t receive while growing up. Nevertheless my independence is something that I have cherished throughout my 5 decades of life! It has supported me through seasons of growth, difficulty and change.
Photo by Alesha Kazantceva on Unsplash My independence was challenged when I became a Mrs. for the first time at the age of 45! I’ve spent the majority of my life depending on my favorite three – me, myself and I. Ooh wee, getting married shocked my independent soul and almost short-circuited my independent woman wiring. Thank goodness for my Wife Coaches as I call them – women who have grown in themselves and their marriages as wives and they’re willing to share their wisdom with me. They encouraged me to trust my husband and lean into sharing my whole self with him.
Here’s the rub – I was still holding onto a few bags that I picked up in the years before we met. These bags made it difficult for me to fully trust my husband. My bags were heavy and carried the kind of weight that made me cling onto my independence with all of my might. Now you may be thinking that this isn’t a bad situation. However, it also came with the belief that I could do it all. That I must do it all to create and live in my #HappilyEverDixon2018.
The New Mrs. Dixon April 2018 Mo’ Money…Mo’ Problems
The past 4 years of my professional life have been some of the most challenging for me. We got married in April 2018. I was promoted to a new leadership position in May 2018. My life dramatically changed in 60 days. The promotion came with a raise and more responsibilities. And just like the Notorious B.I.G. says, “more money, more problems.” One night, my work struggles became real when I experienced my first panic attack – ever!
Hitting the panic button
Photo by Audrey Metelev on Unsplash I never knew what a panic attack was until that moment. It was around 9:30 p.m. and my husband had gone to bed. I was preparing a presentation for a morning meeting with my project team. The presentation was the following week, but I committed to developing my draft so that we could create our group slides. I felt tired after a long work day. Nonetheless, I was going to power through as I always do.
I sat on my sofa in my she-room and thought about the presentation. All of a sudden, my heart began racing and my chest tensed up. It got tighter and tighter with each passing moment. It hurt so badly that it felt like someone was squeezing my heart in their hands with all of their might! I couldn’t catch my breath and it terrified me.
I got up and staggered into our bedroom and woke my husband and gasped, “I need help”. He turned on the light next to the bed and I saw fear and tears in his eyes as he put his arm around me. All I could think about was, “I don’t want to die like this. He’s going to take me to the hospital in my headscarf and I’m not wearing a bra”! Yup, I was being “that girl” who was thinking about her vanity instead of well being.
Breathing is my self-care
He told me to “breathe, just breathe Babe.” I noticed that each breath made me feel a little better and the warmth of his hand on my pulsing chest comforted and soothed me. My muscles loosened and my heart returned to its normal pace. But, I was afraid to go to sleep because of the fear of not waking up. It was a long night for us. The morning came, but didn’t bring any joy. I felt embarrassed, exhausted and emotionally drained. I spoke with my best friend and she told me that it sounded like a panic attack. What? Not Ms. Independent! My presentation wasn’t ready. My team and I spent the entire meeting talking about the perils of my night.
“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”
psalms 30:5The work hasn’t gotten any easier in the past 2 years since that night. However, I’ve adjusted and amped up my self care and therapy which makes my stress level tolerable, but far less than ideal. It’s hard for my husband to see my struggles and do nothing because he’s a fixer. He takes pride in taking care of me, but he can’t fix this. Recently, I was sharing about the complexities of my work and began crying….again. His face got blank and he looked me in my eyes. He said, “I’m tired of seeing you stressed out by your job. I got you, just quit. You could find an easy job that allows you to rest and figure things out.” My face went blank as my independent woman short-circuit returned.
Quit?
Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash Y’all why did my independent soul push back on his offer? Who wouldn’t take the offer for respite, relief and rescue? Now I know that it’s a far, far cry from being a kept woman. Heck, I needed to be a kept woman at this moment in my life. But I pride myself in keeping myself. I’ve been operating with the mindset that I can do it all – be the great leader at work and wife who keeps a great home. I’ve been trying to find a space where my independence and wifedom can co-exist.
My independent self and my inner “wanna be kept woman” keep playing a game of tug of war. And the tension between the two prevents my husband from feeling needed – which he needs. Deep isn’t? Can anyone else relate?
And if I’m being all the way real, like I do with y’all. I don’t want to fail in my marriage. It took 20 years for me to find someone to “love me back” and I don’t want to mess us up with my baggage before we truly hit our marital stride.
One day, he offered to get us a housekeeper so that I wouldn’t have to worry about housework on top of my demanding job. Once again, my independent soul pushed back. In fact, “she and I” took it as an insult! We felt as if he was saying that I wasn’t maintaining a good home or being a good wife. So here’s the thing, I strive to be a “Tabitha Brown” type of woman. She takes care of her family; cooks great meals; is building an amazing empire and looks amazing while doing it ALL while exercising her faith in God. Yes, Tabitha could definitely be in my girlfriend circle. I don’t know how she does it, but what she does in inspiring to me.
Grown Womanish Lessons
Photo by Diana Simumpande by Unsplash This experience has shown me a few things that I believe that our Grown Womanish selves need to recognize.
Fight, flight and partnership
- Our minds have been shaped by experiences that make us wired to fight or flee all of the time, even when we’re not in danger. However, we must recognize when we’re safe and allow ourselves to be kept by our partners or spouses – not as possessions, but for pleasure, support, time, sex and all the wonderful things of a fulfilling relationship. It’s beautiful and purely human to show them that we need them without losing any of the pride that comes from our independence. Jus’ saying! It’s exhausting and damaging to our health and well-being when we keep our guards up all of the time.
- We can’t do it all by ourselves. Humans were divinely created to be in partnership and help each other. Think about how good it feels to give….let alone receive. Our independence will always be a part of who we are, but struggle and doing it alone doesn’t have to be the playbook of entire lives. We must strike a balance between our independent selves and our inner “wanna be kept woman” selves. C’mon Sis, the description of “a kept woman” wasn’t all bad (especially the pleasure, lavish gifts, time and sex). LOL! Have you ever said, that I would do just about anything if I had a man/partner who would pay the cost to be the boss? Well if you haven’t, then good for you.
Release and vulnerability
- Releasing some of our independence to create unity in our relationships and/or marriage is worth the compromise. We are strong by ourselves and even stronger when we’re working together for the same goals. And in the case of relationships, our goal is to create and live a fulfilling and joyful life together.
- It’s ok to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and admit when we need help. It doesn’t mean that we’re failing our independence. It means that we’re human. Even the most well-built structures can crumble and fall without the proper support beams that give it structure and strength. Although, I’m still pushing back on the idea of getting a housekeeper. I’ve changed my perspective from insult to gratitude for his efforts to bring in another support beam for our skyscraper.
Letting my guard down
Photo by Kaysha on Unsplash No, I’m not giving up my Independent Woman self. However, I’m learning how and when to lead with her. I maintained my super independent spirit from a place of necessity. It protected me from disappointment; taught me how to take care of myself; and gave me the confidence to accomplish great achievements in my life. She will always be a part of who I am. It feels great to let my guard down, but it’s no easy feat. I have to consciously tell myself that it’s ok to relax and ease into the safety of my husband.
It’s wonderful to know that he has me, no matter what. I am now leaning in to becoming the “great me” in our “we” and it feels amazing, y’all.
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Doing my “It”!
It’s been one week and a day since I crossed off one of my “its” on my BIG dream list. I delivered the keynote address at the Women In Transition 2022 Summer Workshop. You would have thought that I was speaking at the Oscars because of my preparation for this awesome occasion. I promised myself in 2020 to “do it in fear” – whatever my “it” was! Well this was an “It” moment! I was equally excited and nervous to share my vulnerabilities, fears and dreams with a room of mostly strangers.
Tri-C Women In Transition Program flyer I couldn’t let fear block me from an opportunity to stand before my fellow women in transition to speak, inspire and connect. I asked myself so many questions as I prepared my talking points. Which life story would I share? How could I craft my words around a common theme that leads to action? Would my message be received or rejected? I didn’t want to make this an “all about me” talk. Or come off as so “put together” that my stories of when I wasn’t would seem inauthentic.
Photo by Tri-C Women In Transition Program My theme came to me a couple of days after I thought about the workshop theme of “Restoring your mind, body and spirit”. It was so me! I decided to speak about “The Old, New Me”. Sound familiar? Well I hope that it does because it was one of my blog posts. It has received the most emotional reactions and comments since I launched my blog. The Old, New Me is about my personal evolution that took me from allowing fear to rule my life, to ruling my fear!
“Fear doesn’t rule me. I rule my fear!”
Kimalon Dixon and WIT AttendeesTough truths
I exposed parts of myself in my blog post and speech that were tough realizations after attending the https://moniqueinc.co Power of Vision Retreat in 2020. The climax of the retreat was a moment of raw honesty for me. I realized that I had stopped dreaming. Unfortunately, I had lost myself to anxiety, depression and the spirit of perfectionism from a series of life-changing events that changed me for the worst. However, it also speaks of my journey during these past 2 years that led me to find new joy and purpose. I think that these are experiences that most women (and men) can relate.
Photo by Platinum Shutter Photography I prayed for God to use my words in this space. And He did! I found my rhythm after shaking off the nervous energy during my introduction. There were moments when I felt my eyes tear when I saw women (some who looked like me and others who didn’t) nod their heads in agreement. It was awesome when the room of women (and one man) make the commitment to rule their fear and to do their “it”! I really felt the power of my own words when I made the analogy of becoming the old, new me with the metamorphosis of a caterpillar to a butterfly. Here’s a little secret for you – I was talking about myself.
Photo by Suzanne D. Williams on Unsplash My message struck me when I said, “I wonder if the caterpillar knows that it’s destined to be a butterfly. Could it be that some of you are like the caterpillar who didn’t know that it was destined to be a butterfly?” I felt my eyes water when I said it because I remember my caterpillar phase. There had been moments when life pressed me down so hard that I only saw the world with the flat, one-dimensional vision that comes from crawling on your belly just to make it to the next day. I am so grateful to be on the other side of this phase of my life experiences. Don’t get me wrong, I still have bad days. But I am doing more than existing – I am living!
Photo by Platinum Shutter Photography “Think about the caterpillar who didn’t know that it was destined to be a butterfly… until one fine day when it felt itself changing.”
Kimalon dixonI now live with a fierce protection of my peace. I removed my cloak of perfectionism and stand in my “no” for self-preservation instead of people-pleasing. And I’ve also learned the difference between happiness and joy. Happiness is grand, but I savor moments of joy. I live in expectancy that good things are coming my way. And I begin each day with the affirmation that, “something good is going to happen to me today”! I am drawn to life-filling experiences instead of life-depleting ones. Living in JOY is requires the intentionality and action that I readily take.
Photo by Platinum Shutter Photography Time really flew when I was having fun with my new found sisters in transition. My husband greeted me and helped me off the stage after I closed my talk. He whispered in my ear, “great job, Babe”! It felt so awesome to be received with love, acceptance and pride by him, the conference organizers and audience members. It wasn’t the rejection that fear had tried to tell me to expect. I can’t really describe the feeling of inner-jubilation that I felt as I sat down. My spirit leaped for JOY!
A Picture of the Old, New Me
The Old, New Me by Gwen Garth A few of the ladies came over during the session break and told me that they enjoyed my talk. Some asked for hugs and promised to join my blog community.
There was one woman in particular that will forever be a part of my becoming story. Her name is Gwen Garth. Gwen is a local artist, activist, organizer among other things. She is truly a phenomenal woman with a powerful testimony of redemption and victory. Her art may be seen around town in various places. Gwen presented me with a beautiful picture of “the old, new me” that she drew during my talk. I love the picture because she captured my confidence and exuberance that I feel in my restored self. The picture also shows me standing in my rediscovered joy and new purpose.
Oh, yes…I am the old, new me who is ready to soar in my new purpose and joy like a butterfly.
Photo by Daniel Klein on Unsplash -
Hold on to your happy!
My birthday is at the beginning of June and I celebrate the entire month. I am notorious for keeping my decorations up for an entire month – especially my cards. Why, you may ask? It’s simple, because looking at my cards makes me happy. And displaying them for an entire month (and sometimes beyond) helps me to hold on to my happy! I feel a sense of jubilation when I open the envelope and read the printed or handwritten words on my cards that express the unique range of human emotions from faith, joy, humor and love. So walking by the cards each day after my birthday helps me to recall that moment and hold on to my happy!
One year, I even broke the rules and kept my fully decorated Christmas tree up until February because it made me happy. No, I wasn’t having an emotional melt-down. I was holding on to my happy!
There is a clear distinction between gratitude and holding on to your happy. We live in a world that forces us to rush through life, especially the joy-filled moments that are meant to be savored.
I am encouraging you to savor each enjoyable experience, feeling or person. Resist the urge to move onto the next thing in the midst of your “right now” thing! It really means staying in the present moment without time traveling to the future. This is what it means to hold on to your happy!
The test of my happy!
Holding onto my happy was a test for me this week. Last week was wonderful! I ran my first 5K Bubble Run with my best friend (read my Just do the thing! post for details); attended two energizing community meetings; and felt a sense of long-awaited, social normalcy that I haven’t experienced in the past two years. I know that you can feel the imminent “until” looming. It was all kicks and giggles until I tested positive for COVID then my happy came to a screeching halt!
This post is not going to be about COVID because it’s a sensitive issue for all of us, especially those who have lost loved ones or who are still experiencing lingering effects. I give you my sincerest empathy and respect. However, I will say that even a “mild” case in a person who is fully vexed and boosted is no laughing matter. And while I was on the phone with my doctor’s office, I received shocking news about a loved one. I caved in and cried when the impact of the news and my COVID results hit me. My tears represented frustration, worry and anger. The triplets of the worst emotions that anyone’s spirit can parent at one time.
However, I appreciated my tears because they allowed me to release. They cleansed my soul from emotions that can’t co-exist with my resolve to hold on to my happy. And c’mon y’all, I was raised by a strong, black woman with muscles built from overcoming adversity and an unwavering faith in God. So my tears of triplets were not welcome for permanent residence
5 Senses of Happiness
Photo by Solstice Hannan Hold onto the blissful moments in life with all 5 senses. These moments will be part your armor when battling the forces of discouragement and depression. I think back to the feeling of a cool island breeze on my cheek; the sound of blowing palm trees in the wind; and the smell of a plumeria flower when we visited Hawaii. Or the intricate flavors of vanilla and butter of a freshly baked, homemade cookies. The moment of cheerful anticipation when I’m at a graduation and “Pomp and Circumstance” plays during the parade of graduates. It’s like playing a con game on your mind. People say it all of the time, but life may truly change in the blink of an eye. So we much truly cherish the moments that we are in a state of contentment.
One of my favorite movies is “The Sound of Music”. I watch it every time that it comes on television. It represents a happy time in my childhood. My Mom, brother and I would watch it, dance and sing the songs. It was pure childhood joy! And then there’s my favorite song, “My Favorite Things”. Sound silly? Julie Andrews is encouraging us to “find the happy” in common moments and hold on to them!
Self-care
Hold on to my happy is recognizing when I’m in the midst of a memory-making moment and tucking away small pieces to enjoy later. And if I may speak honestly, holding onto my happy is another form of self-care. I’ve often wondered why it is so easy for our brains to default to traumas rather than pleasurable moments. Perhaps we need to override our minds with the good stuff so that the bad stuff can’t stick? I know that it sounds simplistic, but think about the preservation of our peace if it worked?
It was challenging being sick and in isolation all week. My spirit felt the tugs of discouragement and loneliness even though my husband was in the other room. I wanted to rush the healing process along to break out of this room and return to my normal. Shifting my mind to gratitude allowed me to fight off the doldrums and spirit tugs and created space for me to discover new moments of happiness in the midst of solitude.
Finding new happy!
Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash I found new moments to savor, like the sound of the birds chirping throughout the day. I’m usually too busy to enjoy their sweet conversations with each other when I work from home. Binge watching season 2 of P-Valley with all of its twists and turns without interruption was definitely a happy moment. Yes, I am a fan – no judgement! I’m usually doing housework or never allow myself to sit for that long to watch back-to-back episodes of anything. I even enjoyed the soothing, cool breeze from the air-conditioning flowing across my face.
It even amused me that my husband and I were acting teenagers with all of the texts and phone calls to communicate. This week took me back to sweet moments in our courtship when I received “Good morning, Sunshine” and “good night, Babe” texts. I remembered the excitement that I felt 6 years ago.
But I didn’t stop there, I looked at old pictures of my Dad with his smiling eyes – so much happy to hold on to! The sound of his high-pitched laugh and smell of his manly cologne. His love of plaid and vibrant colored clothes. Heaven is enjoying him now, but my mind still holds on to the happy of the time that we spent together on Earth.
I’ve just proven my own point. It is possible to flood your braid with good stuff so that the bad stuff doesn’t stick. So my sistas, don’t rush through your happy in the fleeting moment when it arrives. Hold on to it with everything. Hold on to YOUR happy!
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Matching Energies!
Hey My Grown Womanish…! Sistas!! Let’s talk about the D… Dating! Now where did your mind go? Well it’s ok, if it went there because if you’re thinking about “The D” then it begins with dating. I already know, “you ain’t got time for foolishness”! I get it, time is our most precious resource. It’s the one thing that we can never get back, once lost. So this post will not just save you time, but your energy.
Lesson One – the energy must match for THE match to work!
What do I mean by energy? It can mean a few things. One, the vibe that a person exudes to the world in reaction or proaction to other people, places, situations or things. It can also be the amount of effort or feelings that we extends to others. The dictionary defines it as “the capacity for doing work“. Now that’s when the ish gets real for me….energy equates to work, Sis!
Lesson Two – he (or she) must exert the same “work” to date you as you’re exerting to them!
Have you ever seen the movie or read the book, “He’s Just Not That Into You”? It was basically a guide to understanding the social cues or actions that men give off (or I would imagine women too) when they’re not viewing the other as a potential partner. Sad thing is that some will use the other person as a “space filler” until the person who they want to be “into” enters their lives.
Sometimes we’re in denial about the unreturned phone calls or texts; unacknowledged special days or holidays; or lame arse (not a typo) excuses about why they can’t see you on the prime dating days (weekends and holidays). But you still give them the opportunity or dare I say, hold space for them “just in case” their situations change.
Lesson Three – recognize when the energy isn’t matching!
Sis, we got to match energies! I’m going to even extend this beyond the D (for dating), but in any non-familial relationship. We will talk about families later! A older, wise gentleman once told me, “I treat people like they treat me”. It’s another way of saying that our work…our efforts…our energy must match!
It’s like watching the amazing Serena Williams playing in a heated tennis match. She’s serving the tennis ball across the net with so much energy and force because she wants to win. Her opponent returns Serena’s serve with so much energy and and force because she wants to win. Although one person will be caught slipping and miss the serve, the most exciting and dare I say – passion to win, fueled tennis matches happen when the energy matches. Get it?
Let me make this point clear with the following scenarios. And be honest. Grown woman…ish! is a no judgement zone!
If you’re always initiating communications (phone calls, texts, social media posts, etc) and they never reach out first. Energy doesn’t match.
If you’re always making and/or planning the efforts to get together and they never ask first. Energy doesn’t match.
If you’re giving gifts and/or offering assistance and dude (or chick) is always the recipient. Energy doesn’t match.
If you talk about seeing this dude (or chick) in your future, but they don’t talk in the same way about you. I’m not even talking about marriage. How about one year from now? Energy doesn’t match.
If you haven’t seen them in a few days and feel the pangs of missing them and excitement to see them, but they’re good with not seeing you or even making an effort to do so. Energy doesn’t match.
It took me the longest time to understand the equation for finding “my person”.
“Your person must want what you want, at the same time… with you!”
Kim dixonLet me break it down for you.
Want what you want + At the same time+ With you = Matching Energies
If one of these factors is off then, this isn’t your person. It’s not to say that you can’t enjoy a person that doesn’t fit this formula. But if you’re serious about finding “your person” then it’s critical. I remember meeting this dude in my dating days that told me that I was a nice lady, but we don’t want the same things out of life. By this point, I was tired of hanging out with the “something -to- do dudes”. So I respectfully bowed out because he was cool with occupying my time and knowing that our energy didn’t match. And these type will still offer the D (not for dating) because they’re counting on our desperation to have someone special.
Well, guess what – that ain’t my Grown Woman…ish! Sistas. We own our power and make choices because they serve us well, not out of desperation. If you’re at a place in your life where you’re content with the D (not for dating, without the dating) – it’s cool. Been there, done that. I’m talking to my Grown Woman…ish! Sistas who are ready to give love another try or a first try.
Let me take a step back and offer a moment of clarity. Just because we’re in the marvelous middle in our lives, doesn’t mean that we have experienced real love before. Like the Real Love that our Sista Mary sang about 30 years ago.
“Real love, I’m searching for a real love
Someone to set my heart free…”
mary j. bligeIronically, when you look at the lyrics there is a point when Mary realizes that the energy doesn’t match with her lover that was “true and though they made it through the storm”. She later sings in the same song, “so I slowly came to see all of the things that you are made of and now my hopes and inspirations lead me to want some real love.” Boom! Unmatched energy strikes again.
Black women often get caught up in applying the same efforts to earn achievement that have worked for us in our academics or profession to our dating lives. Working hard doesn’t always lead to successful dating and relationships. It’s actually quite the opposite. We set ourselves up to be frustrated, used or exhausted (mentally, physically and sometimes financially). Been there. Done that.
It may even cross the line over into the trap of “people-pleasing”. I know that we were socialized to work twice as hard as our non-black peers. But in this case, we must pull back for our own self-preservation and dignity. Yes, be “too proud to beg”! No shade to TLC, but Chili and T-Box are in their marvelous middle age now. And I bet that they would agree with me!
Have you ever dated someone and got the old “I’m not ready for anything serious” and then they get seriously booed up or married within the year? Mind you, I’m not talking about those who are cheating on their partner. There are some super shady arse (not a typo again) people out there who are serial time-wasters, but in this case you thought that there was potential there. If you take a good and honest look back, I’m sure that you can recall times when the energy didn’t match. And you looked the other way because you were having fun. Or even worse, it was better than being alone. No judgement, Sis. Been there, done that.
I want you to do the D..for dating with discernment. After there is an establishment of mutual attraction, look at the actions – don’t fall for words. The energy gotta match! Now don’t go into a new situation with your guard up and ready to stick and move. Rather, watch their energy when it comes to dating you. Are they consistently showing interest in their communications? Is there an even balance of the initiation for a date? Are they upbeat when they see you? Do their actions match their words? Dare I say, does the energy match?
Just because we’re on the other side of 40 doesn’t mean that the game has changed. In some ways, it’s gotten easier to be played by the game. But that won’t happen to you because you’re playing to win! You’re going to master the D for dating and enjoy the passion, joy and fun when the energy matches. What do you think? Drop a comment below.
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Not My Mama’s 50!
I was in the middle of my roaring 20’s when when my mother turned 50 years old. Of course, anyone in their 50’s is “old” to a young person at the height of their prime. Although only 25 years separates us, it seemed as if there was a farther distance between our spaces in time. My Mom had a different “air” about herself when she was my current age. She was an older 50 than me!
Maybe it has something to do with our upbringing? My mother survived childhood poverty and trauma, but so did I. My mother achieved some of her most significant accomplishments like earning her Nursing degree and working in her dream profession at an age that was older than most. And so did I! Like me, my mother was in the prime of her “late blooming summer” at 50. But, to me – her 50 looked different. And I think that it probably feels different. We are aging at a different pace. I’m a young 50!
A Young 50!
What is a young 50? Well, it’s funny that you ask! A young 50 has a youthful spirit with the energy to match. Now don’t get me wrong, sometimes my body reminds me that I’m 50 plus ONE. But, most days, my mind feels the same vigor as I felt 20 or so years ago. I am a fly 50 – LOL! I work hard to keep myself together. And trust me, it’s hard work – it’s worth it!
I keep my body moving; stay fashion forward; and keep my mind right by working with my counselor to heal those damn “unresolved traumas”! There is still a whole lot of great living to be lived and enjoyed in our 40 plus years. I’m not ready to sit in a corner to knit and purl my way into retirement. There is still so much to learn about myself and opportunities to grow into the very best version of myself. And the same is true for you! Nope, we’re not ready for pants without zippers and shoes with velcro strips! No shade intended.
Photo by Emily Bauman on Unsplash My best friend and I always joke about the things that our minds tell us. Like, Michelle Obama is in my girlfriend circle…in my mind! Beyonce is my little sister and Blue Ivy is my neicy-poo ..in my mind! And I am a roaring 28 -35 year old (depending on the day)…in my mind! It’s fun and games when we think about the untruths in our minds that we wish were truths. But seriously, my youthful feeling of zeal, excitement and amazement have not changed because I am 50 plus ONE. There are times when I feel like the time stopped on my youth and picked up the wisdom of a well-seasoned woman. Those moments are fire! I call them my Full of 50 moments!
Full of 50!
People can be full of a lot of things. Full of ish…full of themselves..full of joy. Well I am full of 50! It’s a wonderful place to arrive. Full of 50 means that you unapologetically embrace who you without giving 2 middle fingers up (one on each hand) if anyone else does.
It means an intentional end to the survival habits that we picked up along our life journey. Habits like people-pleasing; being led by fear; unenforced boundaries and silencing our voices. It’s a time to thrive by acknowledging our weaknesses and wounds and taking active steps towards healing and restoration!
Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash I announced the launch of Grown Woman…ish! during the birthday celebration this year. It pleasantly surprised me when people noticed my post with my logo and unpopulated web address. One of my co-workers stopped me at work and asked about my post. She shared that my description of Grown Woman…ish! resonated with her because of the youthful exuberance as a woman in her sixth decade of life. She feels and lives like a vibrant 35 year old! I was floored that we are a decade apart because I thought that we were closer in age.
Being “Full of 50” is beginning to show up in my professional life. My presence and voice is louder in meetings even when I pledge to remain silent to myself. And I feel my boldness surge in those moments. I feel obliged release my energy into the space by sharing my opinion or processing thoughts. I experience a weird feeling of satisfaction when I don’t hold anything back. It’s a new place for me. I can’t even tell you about the number of times when I swallowed my hurt feelings; bit my lip; and wrestled with the angst of telling someone that I didn’t agree with their perspective. Full of 50 is a stage of growth where I’m leaning in. It’s the Age of Boldness!
Keep It Moving, Sis!
Moving is a necessity to live a vibrant 40 plus life. Being Full of 50 means we don’t let age rob our bodies of its natural movements and functions. My Grown Woman…ish! sistas – optimize your Full of 40 plus selves!
Keep or start exercising regularly; maintain/seek a healthy sex life (we’ll talk more about that later), rest and manage stress. Our bodies can age us, but we can fight to win the battles of physical age. Now with our minds – fight the doldrums and worries of life that age us by setting positive intentions. Start each day with an affirmation, prayer or meditation – or all of them to keep your mind in a peaceful place.
I begin each day by saying, “something good is going to happen to me today”. And I expect for something good to happen! We can transform our lives by transforming our thoughts. Although, we can’t control the “what” of aging, but we can influence ”how” we age. I’m sure that we all want to age well, with grace and style. I want to age “like a pair of new leather shoes” that get more comfortable as they mold to every unique contour of me.
Being “full of…” isn’t exclusive to 50, whether you are full of 40 or 50- be FULL of your best self.
Top 10 Ways to be Full of 50!
- Allow “no” to become your power word! Wield it to protect your peace, like a fencer uses a sword. Sometimes saying “no” is self-care!
- Stay active by moving your body EVERY day- walk, jog, dance, jump or skip – movement matters.
- Daydream – who would you like to be or meet… in your mind? You never know, it could happen! My point is to keep your imagination and minds active.
- Say it OUTLOUD, Sis! Release the energy by putting your voice in the room or in ears that need to hear it.
- Try something new for the heck of it! A new restaurant, trendy hairstyle, take a class in something that you always wanted to learn or even change the route that you take home. You may find a new experience that will take your Full of …moment to the next level.
- Stop playing it safe! If the reward is great, take the chance. Remember we got to kick those ”what ifs” to the curb where they belong.
- Travel to a place where you’ve never been before. – bonus points if you roll solo! Don’t let your single status or a partner who doesn’t like to travel keep you homebound. Organize a girlfriend trip or join a travel club. It’s a whole world out there that’s waiting for you to see it!
- If you’re too young or not ready to retire and feel unfulfilled or frustrated by work, find a new job. Life is too short to be aggravated for 2,080 full-work hours per year (and yes, I know this number!).
- Do something creative! It activates a different part of your brain and releases those wonderful feel-good endorphins. Writing this blog has given me something to look forward to and taught me a new skills. Who knew that I could build a website on my own!
- Be your damn self and flash two flying fingers (the middle ones on each hand) for those who won’t accept it. PERIOD.
What does your Full of 40, 50 or plus feel like? Drop me a comment below!
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Do it …in spite of fear!
There are motivational speakers who encourage us to dream BIG and scary dreams. I don’t know about you, but I hate being afraid of anything. As a matter of fact, I’m tired of being led by fear. Remember my revelation about my inability to dream? Unfortunately, my ability to dream was replaced by a paralyzing fear of being let down. And worse of all, letting myself down.
It was a sobering “a-ha” moment for me, but one that drove me to make a declaration that I would “do it in fear” – no matter what! My “it” could be anything – from launching Grown Woman…ish! to walking into the unknown possibilities. It was a liberating and joyful moment that I celebrated by making an accountability post with Four Reminders on Instagram on December 13, 2020 for all to see. You know how things become real when posted on social media – LOL!
Four Reminders and IG Real
Instagram post on December 13, 2020 It seemed like making those declarations opened the floodgates of fear when I decided to launch Grown Woman…ish! I planned to use my blog to build the discipline and consistency that is necessary to write my book (#2 on my list). My dream of writing my book has been in my mind for the past 20 years. What if I fail? Succeed? What if I’m not good enough? The “what ifs” were uninvited guests at the party in my head. I finally kicked my uninvited guests out by drafting my ideas for my blog and purchasing the web domain for Grown Woman…ish! last fall. I was on my way until I allowed work frustrations convince me that this would be a mediocre effort at best.
My unpopulated and unpublished Grown Woman…ish! domain sat for 7 months. But, I my spirit felt unsettled. I kept feeling a gentle push to write and even jotted down titles, but I resisted it. I chalked Grown Woman…ish! as one of those fleeting great ideas in my mind. My husband asked me when I was going to write. I made excuses about how I was so busy; the website was too technical to set up on my own; and it was too expensive to hire a professional to do it for me.
The excuse-making and back stepping changed this past March when I received a text message from a girlfriend during my morning prayer time. She woke out of her sleep with a divine message for me to write. BOOM! There it was – the confirmation that I needed to shift gears from park to drive!
Fighting Mediocrity
Photo by Arissa Chatassa on Unsplash I wasn’t purposed for a life of mediocrity, nor are you. I believe that a mediocre life is the result of unpursued dreams. It doesn’t matter if our ideas or dreams are successful, it matters if we don’t try. Our lives are transformed to greatness by the lessons and blessings that are gained in every experience. Achieving greatness and destiny are married to the divinely-guided dreams that are placed in our minds and hearts. We can create a future for our present right now!
Many of us carry BIG dreams in our minds, but we allow the “what-ifs” to stop us before we even start. Or we allow others to leave the residue of their unrealized dreams or fears on us. Sometimes its best to share the dream by actually doing it in silence – now that’s truly a Grown Woman…ish! move. Silence that isn’t an act of selfishness, but self-care. Oh and we will talk about true self-care and what it looks like at another time. Spoiler alert – it’s more than having a mimosa and massage!
Treat your dream like a precious gems that could fracture if it’s dropped. Rhianna reminds us to “shine bright like a diamond”. Sis, the world needs the brilliance of your diamond! Find your “it” and fight your “what ifs” by doing and shining! Do your “IT” in spite of fear….with your Grown Woman…ish self!
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Sorry, too many sorry’s!
Hey, Sis, stop apologizing for stupid.. ish! I’m going to begin this post with a list that qualify as stupid ish to apologize for –
Don’t apologize for…..
- People who let you down
- Jobs that don’t recognize your greatness or potential
- Disrespectful children
- Being your authentic self
- Cutting off people and/or situations from your life that don’t serve or treat you well
- Situations that you have no control
- Fill in the blank ____________________________
Sorry, that’s too many sorry’s for me…and you! Trust is earned, not given. Why do we treat the priceless gift of our grace with any less value? As a child, I was forced to apologize even when I wasn’t the offender. Can you relate? If so, then it conditioned us to accept responsibility for wrongdoings or small injustices that we didn’t commit. How many times did you say, “but I didn’t do anything’? Now that we’re good and grown, sometimes we revert back to our child selves and automatically apologize. Have you ever apologized for something that you didn’t do to make immediate peace? However, the price of your fake apology was an inner-discomfort that couldn’t be settled. It’s because you gave away an “I’m sorry” to someone who didn’t deserve it.
Today, I was talking to one of my girlfriends about a dating situation. She has been dating a guy for a couple of months. This weekend, dude pulled a Harry Houdini and disappeared on my friend. They spoke, hours after their scheduled date and my friend delivered a “natural, salty-arse” (not a typo) reaction to his lame excuse. I was into her account of the events until….she apologized to him for her “natural, salty-arse” (not a typo) reaction. What??!!! My reaction was, “you had nothing to apologize for!” I get it, we want to present ourselves as controlled and mature. However, he deserved her “natural, salty-arse” (not a typo) reaction! Grace is divinely granted without any effort by the recipient. There is power in the grace that we give by choice. And sometimes we give the power of our grace away to those that don’t deserve it.
Own your ish, but no one else’s!
Owning my mistakes; apologizing; and making it right is one of my life mantras. I now realize that this is a principle that everyone doesn’t subscribe to. Why was it necessary for me to “own” someone else’s shortcomings? I owned someone else’s mistakes when I gave away my “I’m sorry” to those who never gave me theirs. Chalk that to my people-pleasing tendencies that I am working to eliminate.
Photo by Hay S on Unsplash Own your “I’m sorry”!
I’ve done it too many times to recall. It’s been my automatic response to individuals at work who offended me; unreliable men that I dated; and any situation that I wanted to bandage my disappointment or hurt. I’m not saying to walk around with an unforgiving spirit or with a chip on your shoulder. What I am saying is to recognize and treasure the value of “your grace”. Sometimes it means spending a Saturday night alone. Or having an uncomfortable conversation with a manager, co-worker or even family member about what you’re not going to accept. It’s past time to step up and OWN our grace! OWN your “I’m sorry”!
Sis, make your grace count! Give your “I’m sorry” power by using it when you own the offense and can make it right. Don’t bandage a hurt or disappointment with an “I’m sorry” because it makes you or your offender feel better. Hold those accountable who offend you, give them space to apologize …AND make it right. Be prepared to walk away because the power of your grace and peace is worth it.
What is something that we shouldn’t apologize for? Drop a comment below.
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Finding love after 40!
I celebrated my Queen Day this weekend with a small gathering of few girlfriends from my bookclub at my house. It’s always a great time when we get together. We listen, laugh…and learn from each other. This gathering’s lesson was “finding love after 40”! My best friend and I were subject matter experts about this topic during this girlfriend session. We both married our husbands in our glorious 40’s.
As I shared before, I had a robust social life in my 20’s and 30’s. Sadly, my 40’s arrived with heartbreak after 3 year relationship ended when I turned 39 years old. I hadn’t fully given up hope on love finding me, but my love tank was flashing “low fuel”. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed life to THE fullest but there was still something…someone…missing until I met my mister.
Love is welcome here!
In 2006, my best friend and I were 35 years old, college educated, and in the 34% of unmarried black women compared to 67% of our married, white, female counterparts. We were portrayed by others as either too independent to marry; women who didn’t want to marry; damaged; and some questioned our sexuality. It hurt because we wanted to be married since we were 14 years old. So this Saturday night, we were in a position to encourage, mentor and advise our fabulous single girlfriends who are over 40 years old and welcoming love into their lives.
It would never have been my plan to marry for the first time at 45 years old. But my wait has been worth it. My husband is handsome, seasoned with wisdom, youthful, funny and committed to us! People ask me if I prayed the “Ciara prayer”. I can’t honestly say that I did. I prayed for a husband for far longer than the four years that I’ve been married. What’s the difference? This time I was ready to receive love.
# HappilyEverDixon April 14, 2018 The getting ready for love process took time, brutal honesty, humility and a continual prayer. One day, I reflected about how I kept meeting and dating the same guy. Sure, they were different people, but tall experienced the same ole’ me and resulted in the same dating failure. I made the realization that the common denominator was me. It was a humbling A-Ha moment for me. Instead of claiming defeat, I worked on myself in prayer and therapy. It was eye-opening! My childhood and younger adult traumas manifested as poor decisions and actions that worked against my success. I needed to heal and be whole to ready myself for love.
Get ready
An awesome Afrocentric therapist helped me to process my traumas and unprocessed grief after my Dad’s death. She helped me recognize when I was choosing potential suitors based on an attraction of our mutual brokenness. This experience may be summarized as the 3 P’s of life-change – powerful, painful and purposeful.
It was powerful for me to recycle my pain into purpose! I forgave myself and others for the missteps and poor decisions. My approach to dating changed from low fuel to an energized, full tank! Most of all, I learned to trust myself again and opened myself to the possibility find love after 40 and for it to find me! No more one-sided, unreciprocated love affairs. It was refreshing and empowering to view the world with uncracked lenses. And guess what, I’m still in my healing journey as I process and release traumas and grief (not all grief is related to death) as a married and whole woman.
So my biggest piece of advice isn’t just for my “40 plus amazing” sisters, it’s for those who want to love and be loved. If you want to find love after 40 – get ready for it. Here are my top 5 ways to “Get ready to love and be loved!”
My Top 6 Ways to get love ready!
I began with my top 5 ways and thought of another gem to share. I will drop a few more pearls along the way. And I encourage you to share your pearls in the comments below. Remember, we are a grown women – talking about grown woman things!
Be the source of your own closure from past hurts by releasing its offender from the obligation of an apology or to make it right. Your peace is worth it!
Leave your luggage at the door! Finding love after 40 means that there is a strong possibility that you’ve picked up a bag or two along the way. Opening the door to love means letting go of the old to make room for the new! If you find yourself triggered by a new experience, do the work – in prayer, meditation, self-reflection or therapy to identify, understand, process and release the source of trigger. It would’t be fair to allow a potential new boo to step on a land mine that was planted by someone else.
Know what you want….and don’t settle! Now I’m not talking about little things or quirks – but your non-negotiables. If you find yourself trying to convince yourself to “be in like” or attracted to a potential suitor then this isn’t your person! Age has blessed us to know what we can live with or without – don’t chose to live without just to fill an empty space in your heart….or bed (yes, I said it!).
Try new things! Yes, you heard me. I met my husband online and so did my best friend. Now I’m not promoting online dating because it isn’t for everyone. Trying new things could mean walking in your “Grown woman..ish mode” by getting super cute, going to a nice eatery or coffee shop and sitting confidently alone as you sip your tea or savor a nice glass of wine. The point is to increase the odds of meeting “your person” by increasing the chances that you will meet. Grown woman…ish! vibes are attractive and welcoming to new energy!
Flirt! A smile and making eye contact goes a long way. I LOVE flirting – yes, present tense because I still flirt with my husband. When you’re single, you must demonstrate your openness to being approached. No one likes being rejected, flirting is the “green light” that gives the signal to proceed. It’s also a great confidence booster, even if you decide to keep it moving. Confidence is the sexiest vibe that a Grown…ish! woman can exude. And yes, you still got it – try a practice run!
Be yourself! I thought that I had to compete and show up in my budding relationships like I was auditioning for a part. I offered my love by trying to be what they wanted me to be or showing them how awesome that I could be as a girlfriend or wife. It was freaking exhausting and unsuccessful. People ask me how did I know that my husband was “the one”. My answer is always the same, ” I could be myself with him….and he loved me back”. The best advice that my Mom gave me was to “be myself, my best self….and it would be alright.” She was absolutely right! My sisters, be yourselves – it’s so much easier than trying to be someone else or what someone wants you to be!
Walk in your full Grown Woman…Ish vibe and see how your steps will lead to a new way of living and loving in your 40 plus amazing years! How are you walking in your Grown Woman…ish! vibe? Drop a comment below.
“It’s the fire in my eyes, and the flash of my teeth, the swing in my waist. And the joy in my feet. I’m a woman phenomenally.”
maya angelou
