Recently someone asked me if “Grown Womanish” was a play on words, inspired from the popular television series “Black-ish”. A mischievous smile crossed my face as I honestly replied, “no…grown womanish really stands for grown woman sh!! because that’s what I want to talk about.” It’s the kind of girlfriend talk that I have with my hairdresser when I’m her last client. Or the kind of conversations that we have at bookclub over laughs after a few drinks.

As Women of a Certain Age, we may have either heard of a woman who was being “kept” by a man. Or we may have experienced being kept ourselves. Remember, this is a no judgement zone! I was approached in my single and younger days by men who desired to “keep” me . What does it mean to be a kept woman?

Well I’m glad that you asked! It means that there’s an agreement for the man to “sponsor” a woman by paying her bills; creating and/or maintaining a high-end lifestyle; and lavishing her with gifts. In exchange for these spoils, the woman would be solely available for his pleasure, time, sex or possession. I’m not going to lie, there were times in my life when this type of arrangement sounded tempting. However the right side of my brain quickly reminded me that I’m way too independent for the possession part.

My Independent Soul

Strong women raised me to be a strong woman. They encouraged to have a “take care of myself” mindset. I was taught not to fully depend on anyone – not even my Dad. My sole dependence was to be on God. As I reflect, I realize that some of my nurturing was birthed from the hurts and disappointments from the strong women who raised me. They were trying to prepare and protect me in ways that they didn’t receive while growing up. Nevertheless my independence is something that I have cherished throughout my 5 decades of life! It has supported me through seasons of growth, difficulty and change.

My independence was challenged when I became a Mrs. for the first time at the age of 45! I’ve spent the majority of my life depending on my favorite three – me, myself and I. Ooh wee, getting married shocked my independent soul and almost short-circuited my independent woman wiring. Thank goodness for my Wife Coaches as I call them – women who have grown in themselves and their marriages as wives and they’re willing to share their wisdom with me. They encouraged me to trust my husband and lean into sharing my whole self with him.

Here’s the rub – I was still holding onto a few bags that I picked up in the years before we met. These bags made it difficult for me to fully trust my husband. My bags were heavy and carried the kind of weight that made me cling onto my independence with all of my might. Now you may be thinking that this isn’t a bad situation. However, it also came with the belief that I could do it all. That I must do it all to create and live in my #HappilyEverDixon2018.

Mo’ Money…Mo’ Problems

The past 4 years of my professional life have been some of the most challenging for me. We got married in April 2018. I was promoted to a new leadership position in May 2018. My life dramatically changed in 60 days. The promotion came with a raise and more responsibilities. And just like the Notorious B.I.G. says, “more money, more problems.” One night, my work struggles became real when I experienced my first panic attack – ever!

Hitting the panic button

I never knew what a panic attack was until that moment. It was around 9:30 p.m. and my husband had gone to bed. I was preparing a presentation for a morning meeting with my project team. The presentation was the following week, but I committed to developing my draft so that we could create our group slides. I felt tired after a long work day. Nonetheless, I was going to power through as I always do.

I sat on my sofa in my she-room and thought about the presentation. All of a sudden, my heart began racing and my chest tensed up. It got tighter and tighter with each passing moment. It hurt so badly that it felt like someone was squeezing my heart in their hands with all of their might! I couldn’t catch my breath and it terrified me.

I got up and staggered into our bedroom and woke my husband and gasped, “I need help”. He turned on the light next to the bed and I saw fear and tears in his eyes as he put his arm around me. All I could think about was, “I don’t want to die like this. He’s going to take me to the hospital in my headscarf and I’m not wearing a bra”! Yup, I was being “that girl” who was thinking about her vanity instead of well being.

Breathing is my self-care

He told me to “breathe, just breathe Babe.” I noticed that each breath made me feel a little better and the warmth of his hand on my pulsing chest comforted and soothed me. My muscles loosened and my heart returned to its normal pace. But, I was afraid to go to sleep because of the fear of not waking up. It was a long night for us. The morning came, but didn’t bring any joy. I felt embarrassed, exhausted and emotionally drained. I spoke with my best friend and she told me that it sounded like a panic attack. What? Not Ms. Independent! My presentation wasn’t ready. My team and I spent the entire meeting talking about the perils of my night.

“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”

psalms 30:5

The work hasn’t gotten any easier in the past 2 years since that night. However, I’ve adjusted and amped up my self care and therapy which makes my stress level tolerable, but far less than ideal. It’s hard for my husband to see my struggles and do nothing because he’s a fixer. He takes pride in taking care of me, but he can’t fix this. Recently, I was sharing about the complexities of my work and began crying….again. His face got blank and he looked me in my eyes. He said, “I’m tired of seeing you stressed out by your job. I got you, just quit. You could find an easy job that allows you to rest and figure things out.” My face went blank as my independent woman short-circuit returned.

Quit?

Y’all why did my independent soul push back on his offer? Who wouldn’t take the offer for respite, relief and rescue? Now I know that it’s a far, far cry from being a kept woman. Heck, I needed to be a kept woman at this moment in my life. But I pride myself in keeping myself. I’ve been operating with the mindset that I can do it all – be the great leader at work and wife who keeps a great home. I’ve been trying to find a space where my independence and wifedom can co-exist.

My independent self and my inner “wanna be kept woman” keep playing a game of tug of war. And the tension between the two prevents my husband from feeling needed – which he needs. Deep isn’t? Can anyone else relate?

And if I’m being all the way real, like I do with y’all. I don’t want to fail in my marriage. It took 20 years for me to find someone to “love me back” and I don’t want to mess us up with my baggage before we truly hit our marital stride.

One day, he offered to get us a housekeeper so that I wouldn’t have to worry about housework on top of my demanding job. Once again, my independent soul pushed back. In fact, “she and I” took it as an insult! We felt as if he was saying that I wasn’t maintaining a good home or being a good wife. So here’s the thing, I strive to be a “Tabitha Brown” type of woman. She takes care of her family; cooks great meals; is building an amazing empire and looks amazing while doing it ALL while exercising her faith in God. Yes, Tabitha could definitely be in my girlfriend circle. I don’t know how she does it, but what she does in inspiring to me.

Grown Womanish Lessons

This experience has shown me a few things that I believe that our Grown Womanish selves need to recognize.

Fight, flight and partnership

• Our minds have been shaped by experiences that make us wired to fight or flee all of the time, even when we’re not in danger. However, we must recognize when we’re safe and allow ourselves to be kept by our partners or spouses – not as possessions, but for pleasure, support, time, sex and all the wonderful things of a fulfilling relationship. It’s beautiful and purely human to show them that we need them without losing any of the pride that comes from our independence. Jus’ saying! It’s exhausting and damaging to our health and well-being when we keep our guards up all of the time.

• We can’t do it all by ourselves. Humans were divinely created to be in partnership and help each other. Think about how good it feels to give….let alone receive. Our independence will always be a part of who we are, but struggle and doing it alone doesn’t have to be the playbook of entire lives. We must strike a balance between our independent selves and our inner “wanna be kept woman” selves. C’mon Sis, the description of “a kept woman” wasn’t all bad (especially the pleasure, lavish gifts, time and sex). LOL! Have you ever said, that I would do just about anything if I had a man/partner who would pay the cost to be the boss? Well if you haven’t, then good for you.

Release and vulnerability

• Releasing some of our independence to create unity in our relationships and/or marriage is worth the compromise. We are strong by ourselves and even stronger when we’re working together for the same goals. And in the case of relationships, our goal is to create and live a fulfilling and joyful life together.

• It’s ok to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and admit when we need help. It doesn’t mean that we’re failing our independence. It means that we’re human. Even the most well-built structures can crumble and fall without the proper support beams that give it structure and strength. Although, I’m still pushing back on the idea of getting a housekeeper. I’ve changed my perspective from insult to gratitude for his efforts to bring in another support beam for our skyscraper.

Letting my guard down

No, I’m not giving up my Independent Woman self. However, I’m learning how and when to lead with her. I maintained my super independent spirit from a place of necessity. It protected me from disappointment; taught me how to take care of myself; and gave me the confidence to accomplish great achievements in my life. She will always be a part of who I am. It feels great to let my guard down, but it’s no easy feat. I have to consciously tell myself that it’s ok to relax and ease into the safety of my husband.

It’s wonderful to know that he has me, no matter what. I am now leaning in to becoming the “great me” in our “we” and it feels amazing, y’all.